Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Wasp up the ass.............
Originally posted in 2006
I am an avid bicyclist (fat tire) and have really enjoyed (did I really say that?) riding mountain bikes.
My son in-law really got me going with them.
It is one of the few things I think I do well , at least that is my opinion!
Anyway, last summer I had been training pretty hard (for me) and was psyched to go for a long and hard ride.
12 miles total, 4 out to the course Coyote Ridge, which is rated difficult (by me for my skill level), 4 miles up, yes UP Coyote Ridge and then back down, 4 miles returning to the old homestead with lots of cold, cold, beer waiting for the champion to arrive.
Weather, 90 + degrees, 102 degrees surface, rattle snakes possible, you know all the macho manly stuff that makes you tough! Or so I thought.
So I get all geared up, hydrated, have my camel back loaded with water, inner tubes, tools and yes snake bite kit, (not really a kit, just a 4" hunting knife) check the trusty steed one last time and head out for a test of my mental and physical skills.
First leg goes well, I kind of like the intense heat, sweating, stinking and all that.
Second leg is good, can't quite make it to the top, but close enough to boost my ego to that level of utopia!
Last leg goes well also, lots of YOU DU MAN, YOU DID IT, YOU ARE A STUD, yeah really feeling high as a kite, just a 1/4 mile to my reward, a couple of slammed brain grenades, and the world will seem perfect.
Ok I admit it, it was stupid of me to even think that I could have a "perfect moment"
As I am riding through my neighborhood, cooling down, cruising down the last hill at 25 mph, enjoying my sense of accomplishment, and BAM all of a sudden it feels like someone has JAMMED an ice pick in my right ass cheek, yes the pain was excruciating. Once the fog of pain lifted, I realized that at 25 miles per hour a wasp had gotten sucked up (Hoover'd baby!) my baggy shorts and had stung me in the ass.
My son in-law had said NO To spandex shorts, only baggy ones will do, got to be cool man!
Gee thanks a lot for that tip....
I did not know if it was a wasp, bee, hornet, what ever (like the sound of wasp)!
Then just to really piss me off it stings me again. Yes two ice picks in the ass, what a feeling of joy I felt!
So in my amazing abilities to address a near death experience I decide that the best thing to do is kill the mother fucker.
The only way to do this, (with a sense of style, mind you) while riding a mountain bike in your neighborhood at 25 mph, is to start slapping your own ass as hard as you can while you think about killing it and getting home as soon as possible. Brute force and ignorance every time!
So now I am going 30 miles per hour slapping my ass as hard as I can to kill this wonderful little torture expert, totally oblivious to what the neighbors are saying as I go by.
Grabbing their children, "don't look Johnny" while covering their little eyes that are fixed on this unusual sight and running into their homes.
I get home, dump the bike in the drive way, get in the garage and close the door.
Then I can be myself, start yelling profanities, rip my shorts off throw them on the floor and start to stamp the crap out of them. If the bastard is still in there he is DEAD!
I then go inside to survey the damage to my lily white ass and there it is, a battle wound, a welt the size of a grape fruit with two little dark red stinger marks.
Remember the old western's?
The cowboy would be at a gallop, slapping his horse yelling "Giddy Up"!!!!
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